Assalammualaikum and hello guys!

Today I'm going to post about love letterrrsss!!! It's the love letters I received when I was in Palangkaraya, during the youth leadership programme. I thought it would be best if I keep it here too just in case I lost it or you know ink issues? Hehehe

Also I want to share how lovable they are to me! <3

Honestly, some love letters were written on the very last minute. Like the morning that we have to go back to Brunei, but it doesn't matter~~ what matters are their sincerity!

Okay~ Here goes nothing~~

"To: Izza

Dear Mak Cik (Izza)

Hello, you are the good person that I meet here. Even I can't to always speak up with you, I'm so passive I'm sorry. But I love you from my heart. I wish you enjoy your times in Indonesia, especially Palangkaraya City :)

From me,

FA"

"My Sister The Diva Izzah

Dear Izzah,

Hello my sister, I already miss your laugh now. Since the first day, I should introduced you. It was so challenging. I'm so shy and nervous because I just got up from a nap. I can feel this family bond when we went to Matahari. You are so wise, keep it sister. I don't know what I should write because I feel it with my heart. We also have so many similarities. I can't wait to meet you again, and I'm going to share everything that I can to Masker.

You are so smart, warmhearted. humble, funny, gorgeous and Real Diva. I can't believe it this program run so fast, but our relationship will be forever. I'm waiting for your wedding invitation and meet Junior Alexa.

You never looked sad in front of us, I know it was so hard. I know how does it feel. Just being you okay.

Ah, I trust you, I already said that you are like my mother from different womb. Ah. I don't know what I should write, I'll call you sahaja. hahaha

Best Regards,

RH"

"Ms. Izza (Mak Cik I)

Dear Mak Cik I (Ms. Izza)

Short time but I enjoy all thing with you. Hopefully could see you guys again. And for Alexa team, we are the golden team.

Alexa Boleh

SM"

"To: Izzah

From: D

Hi Alexa!

Thank you for not believing me when I said I'm a boring person and thank you for hugging me after I did the trust game well. You are the life of this group.

You guys are like older sibling figures for me. (Note that I don't know what it feels like to have siblings because I'm the only child) I don't talk a lot but you guys managed to get me involved and for that I thank you so much."

"Dear Izzah,

For the first time I met you. I think that you are so sweet even though you're older that us but you can blend in and understand us so well. You're so very rare. Rare means good. I believe that you can be the best part of you and empower other because your strength. I hope we always keep in touch even in social media.

D, 29/6/2019

Palangkaraya"

"To: Mak Cik 'Izzah'

First time I meet you. I feel like you're amazing woman and kind. You're humble person and you give we all of the inspiration. 

I'm so happy to meet you. :)

DG"

"Ma Cik Izzah, Mom Izza, Sister Izza,

Thank you Ma'cik you always make we are happy, funny and you to be honest I love you ma cik, thank you my love <3

Sorry, I'm not perfect speak English but I keep goin with you. Don't forget me please~ :( from g. double-o-d-j-ob good job 2x

Thank you thank you and sorry, my love <3

E"

"Teruntuk saudariku Izzah

Teriring terima kasih kusampaikan, telah datang ke kota "CANTIK" Palangka Raya, maaf pelayananku masih kurang, maaf bahasa inggerisku tidak bagus.

Terima kasih dapat mengerti penjelasanku. Kamu sosok yang luar biasa, kamu tidak memandang yang lebih tua seperti saya untuk dikesampingkan, kamu menganggap kita selayak teman sebaya.

So many thingd I want to sa, but my limitations convey it. Very proud to meet and be friendly with you.

PL"

"Dearest Iza!

Since the first time you introduce De**, you show the positive energy and that my friend is always needed. The world needs more people with the po~~~~sitive energy. You're such a brilliant, warm, lovely person. I'm honored to know you and to know story of your life. GURL YOU'RE TOUGH. A YOUNG INDEPENDENT YOUNG LADY!! We love that! If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to call me, text me or even email me!

Gurl! I adore you, your brain, your personality, your look. Everything about you. You're like a big sister to me, a lost sister of mine to be sure, it's like I didn't know I need you but your presence in my life is apparently essential for my inner peace.

You'll do more than just amazing things in life. I'm sure of that. See you when I see you later sister! <3 <3 

I LOVE YOU!!!

With <3

AA"

"Dear Izzah,

The world would be better place if we have lot more people like you! It's an honor to know you. Good luck with your study

<3 LM"

"Assalammualaikum Kak Izza.

Its maybe too late to send you a letter. I don't have one. But, I just wanna say. Thank u so much and I am sorry.

Thank you for everything you did, those make a sense to me. Youre very humble and friendly. You made me feel like have a new sis. <3

I am sorry Kak Izza, in the last day, I cant accompany you and Wi** to go to the airport (I had a reason for), and sorry if you were feeling uncomfortable when I was near with you.

In the end, maybe just that which I can tell to you. I hope we can meet up again! <3

With love,

AN"

"Izzah * <3<3<3

Hello Makcik, sorry eh aku pun terinfluenced with the idea of calling you 'Mak Cik' but not. You're my sister, like our mother, sister name it, its you, because you really knows how to take care of me & us. especially when we both are here & in airport because you know I was the clueless & sleepy the whole time. The funny thing is we have everything the same. I see  everything you have and I have it too. Macam for me, the thing is I write it here, its kinda hard pasalnya I'm definitely going to meet you again & have our session together right. But hey, you gotta need to meet someone special ok because we can't wait for your wedding day and all of us are going to reunite again!!! I'm happy that I could finally meet & know you because it's funny. Like why now? why not before this or before, before ani? Haha faith ya makcik haha so annoying whw tapi cali. When it comes to perkara lain, you're amazing & unexpected ok. 

Hey, I love you forever & ever

Alexa

Sincerely from 

Izzahwi**, not Izzah ehe"

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Okay that's the end of love letters from Palangka Raya~ Now that I'm re-reading it and typing it for this. It makes me sad, not in a bad way. I miss the times where I can just knock on someone's room and chit chat for long hours or even had our beauty routine! It was definitely an amazing trip I had this year. In all honesty, I still think that I don't deserve the programme but I'm really glad that I went. On the other note, I feel sorry for them because I HAVE VERY LITTLE ALMOST NONE Indonesia language skill :(((((( I was having a hard time understanding what they were trying to say but I'm still blessed with friends around me that are willing to explain what it means and they even speak in English for me~~~ Thank you guysss!! You're amazing!! P/S, not that I speak English all the time, I use Malay as well but more like standard Malay and as you all know, there are differences in some terms so.... there was still language barrier in that term :/

All in all, it was still an amazing experience!
Thank you beautiful souls!

Book review for Khayalan by Hasif Rayyan

Author Bio

Hasif Rayyan, Malaysian novel writer. Graduated in IPG International Language Campus majoring in TESL and now teaching in primary school somewhere in Kuala Lumpur. Khayalan is one of his works.

Twitter: @HasifRayyan

Instagram: @hasifrayyan

Blogspot: hasifrayyan.blogspot.com

Synopsis

"Kau yang jemput dia kembali, kan?" Kalau tak, takkanlah dia muncul tanpa sebab." Mungkin Rakzhan betul, fikir Hasif. Setiap kali dia ada perasaan begitu, lembaga itu pasti muncul.

Setiap kali ia muncul, tubuh Hasif akan menggeletar tak terkawal, nafas mendengus kuat, wajahnya tegang dengan mata terbuntang di balik bingkai cermin mata yang dipakai.

Ya, memang Hasif takut dengan sang lembaga. Baginya itulah ketakutan yang paling besar. Namun dia tidak tahu, ketakutan sebenarnya datang daripada sesuatu yang lebih dekat.

Review

I would say this book is kind of heavy despite of the title khayalan or maybe it was just me? I thought this book is going to be light one but I was wrong! This book is basically talks about imaginary friend, Rakzhan that Hasif has created himself. I'm not going to talk so much on the plot but this book will bring you to his world and you can feel the emotional ride along the way. If you happen to have this book but you haven't read it, I recommend you to read it.

Relatable

Here I've picked two lines from the book that hits me hard.

"Realiti tidak begitu. Sahabat akan datang dan pergi. Sebab munculnya mereka dalam hidup kau adalah untuk berikan kau sesuatu. Dan mereka akan pergi apabila sudah tak ada apa-apa lagi boleh diberikan kepada kau" - Rakzhan

The quote above got me right in the feels. To my friends who still stay, thank you so much for keeping up with me through my lowest. Those who left, thank you for making me realize that life is not just all about you, it's about me too. Us, together. And now I've to learn how to prioritized myself before others.

If you are interested in this book

Click on this or the link below

http://belinovelacip.wasap.my/

To that one person.....

It took me almost a decade for me to write about this person, 그사람 means that person.

그사람, is someone who is special to me.

그사람, I truly am sorry for leaving you alone.... in the dark.... thinking that I was doing the right thing by leaving you.

To that person that have special spot in my heart, it has been 8 years and I never knew that it hurts this much. I regret it...

Even until this moment...

The moment I'm writing about you..

What have I done?

I'm sorry.....

Really

Am..

Sorry..

Maybe this is what I deserve. I was too stupid for thinking that you're better off without me, thinking that you could ace your studies. How can I hold you when everyone is expecting you to be the top student in school and that time you had your own goal. Goal to achieve, and what about me? I don't even have one back then. I was in dilemma whether to be honest with you or to just to lie.

But,

I decided to lie to you, I told you that I have someone else who loves me more. Fyi, we weren't in the same school that time but we met in one of the leadership programmes that was hosted by one of the sixth form centers. Little did I know we were in the same group and you were selected as the leader of the group and I was assisting you in leading the group. And that's how the story goes....

We get along together during the program and I got attracted to him, we exchange phone numbers and Twitter! After the program finished, we kept in touch through Twitter and everything was beautiful to me.

So beautiful...

That I don't want to let go but, as the exams are nearing, I get anxious.

This anxiety

I couldn't sit still.... I feel guilty. Like, what if he couldn't score on his exams? That time, I thought the worst. I care about what people think about me. I care how people look at me. I don't want them to look at you and say "this is why you shouldn't date someone" or "your score has dropped because you are with someone right now".

I know, I was wrong. I know... I know that....  If I could turn back time, I wouldn't want to lie to you. That's my biggest regret. I should have talked to you about what's making me insecure. I know this is cliche but, if I could turn back time and even I lose you again, I should've told you the real thing.... I should have done that. I should've done that so I won't feel this way. Holding it for years and years.

Trust me, since day one, you have been really nice to me even until now. Though now is kind of awkward? Cause I just texted you out of nowhere and for sure it took you by surprise, after 8 years? Who in a right mind would do that right? Actually I'm not sure myself whether I'm doing the right thing or not but, that's the least thing I could do right? After doing that, I feel like a stupid person for letting my guard down and I look desperate. 

Yes...

I'm desperate to see him again,

But who am I to ask that?

I'm not even qualified to ask

Cause,

I'm no longer that someone that is important to him. 

For once, I want us to start over again,

I want to see you,

I want to talk to you,

I want to talk to be by your side,

I want to tell you "I miss you",

I want to tell you "I like you",

I want to tell you that I never lie when I told you "I love you",

So it happened when one of my friends ask about my love life and one of the things that she asked was "Is there any guy that made you feel complete?" I was thinking hard about that thing and 그사람 (that person) popped out in my mind and I said "Yes" to my friend. My friend was thrilled when I said that and she was like "Woooooow. Spill!" The moment she asked me that, I was nervous all over again. I don't know what has gotten to me but I was happy talking about him that day but after meeting my friend, while I was driving back home I was listening to one of song covers by Teme Abdullah - Kisah Antara Kita and I was so immersed and I felt there was a warm drop on my cheek. I was really sad that time and it feels like the world is going against me. I was trying to run away from me but I couldn't run anymore. My legs just gave up and I crumbled to the ground. It's crushing me. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I screamed my heart out but no one is listening. I don't know to whom I should talk about this. I can't seem to talk about it openly with my friends. After that meet up with my friend, I can't seem to sit still. My mind was all about him. I even try to sleep it off cause usually if I cannot do anything about something I will force myself to sleep but not that night. That night I was not in my right mind. I wanted to call my friend that night but it was past midnight and she had her own things to settle. So I decided just to take it all in and comfort myself that I can figure things out. I was holding it in until I couldn't, so I grabbed my phone and searched this friend's name and start texting her.

"Hey Wanda (not real name). I know this is out of the blue but is it possible for me to get 그사람's phone number? If you don't mind."

*shared contact*

The moment she shared me his contact. I couldn't believe that I get to have his phone number because he was no longer using his old phone number. Both local phone number and UK number. I was devastated at first but since Wanda gave me his phone number, I found hope again. I praised to God that I managed to get his phone number again. 

So, I typed a long message and sent it to him. After sending the text, I threw my phone and buried my head in my pillow. AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Did I really send the text? To 그사람? After 8 years? SHIIIIIZZZ what am I suppose to do?  

I know things are not how it is used to be. I'm aware of it. It's been 8 years. 8 freaking years Babo! I don't even know how you are doing for the past 8 years. I'm such a coward. I'm a loser. A big fat loser for leaving you just like that. I know one day I will regret this and YES! I REGRET IT BIG TIME! 

Sometimes I do wonder, what should I do? Is there anything that  can do? I'm lost with no direction. I'm lost in my own play. I've have lost so much things until the point that I feel numb. Numb because of my own stupidity. I thought by staying quiet about this would make me forget about you but, it's the other way round. When the time is nearing to your birthday, I would lock myself up and reflect on things I have done to you since the day I left you or reminisce every moment with you. I would go to our twitter conversations and cry myself to sleep. 

*sigh*

I never told this to any of my friends but, since I decided to blog this, I will write on how I feel about you since the day 1. If I could attach the conversations I would but I don't people to look at it and say I'm obsessed. Or am I? hahaha I'm kidding. I'm not obsessed but I live with guilt for the past years until I decided to text him. 

He replied my texts and it was fine on the first day I texted him but I couldn't get on with the conversation because it was past midnight. I don't want him to feel restless. So I ended the texts with a simple good night. 

On the second day, I texted him hi and he did reply but he was busy that night and I texted him again the next day. I initiated the conversation. I left another long text message with belated birthday greeting as well and the conversation went cold. In the end....

I just texted him have a great weekend!

That was my last text to him. 

*sigh*

I should feel content about it. I should feel happy that he even replied my texts! But why am I not pleased by the texts? Is it because of my greed? My expectations on him?

I DON'T KNOW

그사람

Just another mess.

First of all....

I don't really know what exactly I'm doing here. I would say I'm not good in writings or even expressing my own feelings in words? And yet... I'm here? Hah!

Where shall I begin ya?

Hmmm. So, after considering this a lot of times, I came across a friend who blogs and somehow..... want to try as well. But, I have no confidence in my writing.. Oh well... Giving this a try won't hurt right?

Apart from that, I don't know how well this blog gonna be in the future, maybe this is just part of my journal or a place to let go of what's stressing me out? Hahaha. Oh boy, good luck to whoever is reading my blog!

Oh! Oh! Before I forgot, I will go by the name, Babo because life has never been easy for me for the past few years. So, I call myself Babo. Babo means stupid and Aremdaun means beautiful/pretty. The reason why I choose this name because I might be stupid but I want to always remind myself and other people that no matter how much stupid I am, I still believe that there are still pretty things ahead of me and whoever reading this blog.

Until then, see you on my next blog!

잘 부탁 드리겠습니다! (I'm looking forward to this/Thank you very much)

Signing out,
Aremdaun Babo